What Death Can Do
by EndingFury
Summary: Hazel has been doubting herself and what she can do ever since Gus died 6 months ago. She shares her pains in a journal that she was told to start by her doctor and parents. Suicidal thoughts. Don't like don't read. Songfic: Vectors by Area 11.


_Hello and welcome to my second songfic! This one is using Vectors for a Fault in Our Stars fanfic._

 _For this Fanfiction I will not be putting the lyrics in the dialogue but will be writing a couple of lyrics and then writing the couple of paragraphs and so on. I have never done this before so we'll see how it turns up!_

 _TRIGGER WARNING: This could set off some raw emotions; if you don't want to read about a girl who has some suicidal thoughts and attempts it, TURN BACK NOW._

 _If you guys EVER go through this stuff or know somebody who does, TALK TO ME. I'm here for you and I always will be. Doesn't matter if I don't know you or not, doesn't matter what you've done, I will stand for you. I will be on your side. Come talk to me; don't be afraid._

 **Lyrics: Bold**

The lyrics are from Vectors by Area 11 from the album All the Lights In the Sky. They are theirs and theirs alone.

 _I do not own anything, not lyrics or characters, except for the plot.  
~EndingFury_

 _Day 1_  
 **A music box, a lullaby,  
A restless sleep through an IV high  
A whispered voice inside your mind  
"One day I will find you"  
**  
I couldn't sleep for the ten millionth night in a row, so here I am, writing my mind blank.

Where should I start? Maybe with my best friend? My boyfriend?

Ever since Augustus Waters had died… nothing was the same. More and more visits to the doctor whether it was for physical health or emotional health occurred.

The doctors for a change were more concerned about my depression than my tumors in my lungs. Which they kinda always were, I suppose.

But depression had always been there. Now it's back, only stronger than before.

"Hazel, you need to stop doing this to yourself." My doctor had told me one day. "Let the past go. You shouldn't be dwelling on what has happened."

"Easy for you to say." I had muttered under my breath.

I hadn't told her or my parents that a voice in my head had started talking to me more frequently now than before. It told me horrible things; things that I am too embarrassed to write here in this dairy of some sorts on my laptop.

If only I could change. If only.

 _Day 3_  
 **I saw that you were lonely too  
Something broken inside you  
I reached out and took your hand  
You reached out and you took me**

So I skipped yesterday. I don't know why I'm talking to my computer screen as if it's a human but oh well. Weirder things have happened.

For example: Isaac. Yesterday he phoned me saying that he needed me to show up at his place. When I got there I saw that there were scientists there, with robot eyes in their hands.

Surprisingly, he did exactly what he told Augustus what he would do: knocked them out their hands, said that he didn't want to see a world without his best friend, and then put them on, because people, they're ROBOT EYES. ROBOT. EYES. Like, come on.

That was part of the reason of why I didn't write yesterday.

Mom decided that tomorrow we are going on a picnic. Just thought I'd say that because I don't have anything else to say.

Oh, today I found her crying in her room, staring at a smiling photograph of me and my parents. I wasn't sure what to make out of it until she saw me. I took one glance at her tearful face and stumbled to her and wrapped her in my arms.

I don't know why I felt what I felt nor did what I did. I just figured somewhere in my messed-up brain that she needed comfort.

Is that what I'm supposed to feel?

 _Day 4_  
 **I repressed that time  
I locked it all inside  
I locked it all inside  
'Cause it's easier to hide**

I didn't miss today! I don't know if that's good or not.

I have decided that I am going to talk to this journal on the computer as if I'm talking to a person. It makes writing a lot easier for some strange reason. Do you get that?

Today was not a good day. That voice that I told you about on the first day? It talked to me again this morning and messed up my entire day.

I almost had a mental breakdown during lunch at college today. A sudden wave of sadness and bitterness came flooding on me and I had to lock up myself in my shell because I was scared that if I let one piece of raw emotion out I would burst like a dam, slowly leaking then flooding.

I played video games with Isaac as well, I wasn't over there yesterday and he seemed to be enjoying his new brown eyes very much.

He said that if he could be would pull them out and kiss them. But they're attached in his head so doing that would be trying to go blind again.

Sometimes it's funny what a human being can and will do.

 _Day 6_  
 **All the hurt, all the loss  
All the lines between the dots  
Everything that I forgot  
I see it clearly  
Regress into a child again  
Do you feel it now?**

Too many memories today; I couldn't think of anything else.

I get these attacks every so often now that Gus has died. The doctors don't know why I have these mental attacks and neither do I.

I feel like I remember a whole lot of stuff that I had forgotten in all the action from the past year or so. I mean, I had all these hazy memories and now I remember them clearly; all the way to the tiniest detail.

It started yesterday during sleep like it usually happens. My dreams turned to nightmares as horrible memories from horror movies twisted and convulsed into part of my sleep.

I wish that I could just forget about everything and be a child again. Sadly, everyone wants me to be an adult. Which I think is great, believe me, but there are some days where I can't handle it all by myself.

I guess Gus had helped me with those days when he was here.

Why am I still thinking and talking and writing about him? Everyone keeps saying to let the past go and look into the future. I try and try but nothing works.

I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should help myself leave this world sooner.

If someone is reading this and I am still alive… help.

 _Day 7_  
 **Baby can't you see that you're losing your mind, that you're losing your mind?  
(Give me a warning, give me a warning!)**

The attack is still here…it's never stayed more than a day. Something's happening to me and right now I don't like it. I honestly have no clue of what to say of do.

I mean, I think I'm losing my mind. If that is what is happening to me at this second, I never thought that it could be so painful and yet so peaceful at the same time. It's… dangerously beautiful.

Although next time I lose my sanity, I'd like warning first.

I need to keep writing… I think it's helping my brain to stay sane. It's somewhere where I can go and just spill my thoughts to a piece of paper that appears on a PC screen.

I also feel like someone's reading this even though no one is. Although I believe I told you that before. I don't know, I guess it's easier to write when you're pretending that you're talking to a buddy that can't necessarily talk back.

It's kinda nice.

I'm gonna have to end it there; Mom wants me to be sleeping before 11:00 today.

I'll have to hope that I stay myself now.

 _Day 8_  
 **A shot to the head leaves it all behind, leaves it all behind  
(This is a warning) and I'll tear you apart**

Good news: the attack stopped. Which I'm thankful for, but the fact is that it went longer for a day… it scares me now. What if the attacks just keep getting longer and longer?

I talked to Isaac about it and he said that this is what death does to a human being.

Everybody sees on T.V. and movies people who experience a death and they get help and they're fine about a week or so. But in reality… things are SO much worse. People commit suicide. They hurt themselves. They get into alcohol and drugs because it takes their pain away, if not for a moment.

I don't want to be like that but…life is too hard. I hear everybody tell me that I'm strong and that I can keep pushing but what they don't realize is that EVERYBODY has a breaking point. For some humans it's not too far away and for others it's waaay in the distance.

Do I sound like I'm breaking? I don't want to start slitting my wrists or taking too much medication that I get addicted or commit suicide.

But if I do I'm closer to Augustus. We can both be together and if oblivion is out there we can face it together.

But then again, I'm going to die young anyway because of the tumors in my lungs so is it really worth it killing myself?

I'm being torn apart by two invisible forces.

 _Day 9_  
 **Reach out your hands to catch me  
Reach out your hands and you tear me apart**  
 **Reach out your hands to catch me  
Reach out your hands and you tear me apart**

Today I went to the doctor after nine days. She asked me first if I was doing the journal and was really surprised to hear that I was. She then asked how it was going and then went into all the medical stuff and whatnot. She also took a scan of my tumor-filled lungs and said she would get them back in about 5 days.

After the visit my Mom bought us both ice cream, which was strange because she never does that. All day she was acting strangely and I tried to get her to talk about it but she wouldn't respond.

Until now.

She told me that I was going to have to stay home while she and Dad went on a "much needed" vacation.

Great Mom. Thanks for telling me that you're so tired of me that you're going to one day abruptly tell me that you and my father are going somewhere while I get stay with Isaac.

Which isn't so bad; staying with Isaac. He's a great friend, especially now that he had freakish red eyes that he can see with. He first got brown eyes and then they gave him the chance to change the colour if he wanted and he chose red.

It's totally cool but kinda terrifying. Even more so when he dresses up as a vampire. And then goes into the park and makes kindergarteners crap their pants.

But then it's funny.

Another thing: I have this conscience in my head now that says everyone is just being nice, reaching their hands out to me in a helpful way only to end up tearing me apart.

I honestly like the idea of suicide better than that.

 _Day 11_  
 **A music box, an alibi  
But we are simply killing time  
I wish I'd see inside your mind  
I wish I'd seen inside you  
**  
The depression is getting worse. For me it feels like a chatty, obnoxious person that JUST WON'T SHUT UP. Except that person's talking about extremely gloomy things that make you feel like if you glance up at the sun for even just one second it will never come back up you're so depressed.

Mom and Dad left yesterday; I'm writing this at Isaac's house. Although I guess I could be staying at home if I really wanted to. Although then if my parents found out that I did that then they'll probably go all haywire on me, saying, 'what if something went wrong and you needed to go to the hospital but nobody was there to get you there?!'.

I think staying with a dude that has blood-red robotic eyes is better than that. The yelling part, not the going to the hospital part just to clarify.

The rest of today and yesterday were uneventful otherwise.

We stayed up so late last night, Isaac and I, that I totally forgot to 'talk' to you. I'm sorry about that.

Man, today is just SHORT. But, I'm cutting it there.

And, I'm going to start signing off now.

See what I mean when I say that I feel like I'm talking to a live being that's standing 12 inches away?  
-The Haze

 _Day 12_  
 **Well this had to be common ancestry  
Almost the same, but not enough  
Never forgiven, but still in love**

Today was again uneventful. More video games, more scaring little kids with the vampire costume. There's just really nothing to write about. Nothing special happened over the past 24 hours here at Isaac's house.

To start on a really random topic, sometimes I think that me and Augustus were almost the same in many ways. I mean, we both had or have cancer that has already or is going to kill us.

But if we were the same, than we would have both died already from our cancer.

I don't know what I'm getting at here.

Again, I have nothing special or exciting to talk about so I may as well sign off here.  
-The Haze

 _Day 13_  
 **I repressed that time  
I locked it all inside  
I locked it all inside  
'Cause it's easier to hide**

I know that the last couple of days there had been nothing to tell you about but today…today was VERY eventful so put your reading glasses on people!

Mom and Dad came back in the evening today after 3 days of being away…in tears. When I asked what was wrong they said that the doctors got my scans back from when I went there. You remember, 'Day 9'?

I have around 6 months left before the cancer takes over my whole body.

Have you ever thought what you would do if you knew how many days you have left? It's not a fun feeling. In fact, it's miserable, because now you know that everything that you do has a deadline that's approaching so fast that you actually don't know when it is.

I mean, I could die before the 6 months. I could be dead tomorrow, 2 months from now, anytime. ANY of us could die at ANY moment. It's…it's kinda scary actually when you think about it that way.

Maybe it'll be better if I die sooner: I'll be with Augustus then. But would he want me to live a little longer or die now? Maybe he'd want me to enjoy the few days I have left and spend with those that care for me. Maybe he'd be impatient and say to God to get my butt up wherever heaven is.

I better get to bed; I have a big day at the hospital tomorrow so I won't be writing for the next day. Or even maybe the next couple of days. We'll see.

Wait, I'm letting my mother tell me when to get in bed? What has this world come to?! Oh well. I still know that I need to fall asleep sometime this night and hopefully not at 4:00 in the morning like Isaac.  
-The Haze

 _Day 15_  
 **All the hurt, all the loss  
All the lines between the dots  
Everything that I forgot  
I see it clearly**

The scans have been completed. They're keeping me here so they can keep an eye on me, just in case if something were to go wrong with my lungs. Which something has already; they can't work by themselves! So then in that case why didn't you smart-alec doctors lock me up in a cell here where you keep an eye on me that'll follow me wherever I go! That's what cameras are: eyes that follow you around no matter where you are and if anyone is with you.

I had forgotten what this felt like; scans and pain that they brought with them. Now there is the pain that I have every day from normal breathing, but this pain is different in a way. It hurts to take the scans, mostly because of my nervousness and because of that my lungs get all worked up and it hurts even more to breath.

Other than that, Isaac came to visit me (he had nothing better to do) and we chatted about what he could add onto his vampire costume seeing as he wanted something more scary on it.

I'm going to try to write more than I have been writing these past couple of days; they've been getting shorter and shorter.

I managed to watch a sunset out the hospital window today, first one since…well…a long time. Surprising how beautiful something can be that's always there when you don't see it for a while. Does that make sense? It does in my brain.

Mom and Dad just left for home so I am here, all on my lonesome, writing what's left of this empty heart out to a computer.

Just what I wanted my last days to be filled with. I mean, I didn't know until a couple days ago that these would be my last days, but still. I want to be out there, moving, doing things, not sitting in a hospital bed for my 6 months. I like writing to whoever reading these entries in the laptop, but I don't only want to be just writing. You dig?

Tomorrow I will be able to go home so I'm praying that my lungs act up overnight. Wish them luck!  
-The Haze

 _Day 16_  
 **Regress into a child again  
Do you feel it now?  
Baby can't you see that you're losing your mind, that you're losing your mind?  
(Give me a warning, give me a warning!)**

Yay! I'm at home now! Finally I can somewhat rest from all the doctors and photos of lung scans.

It's weird; this…'talking'…it's changing how I think. How I talk. How I write. It feels like… I'm losing the old me. I know that sounds kinda weird but it's the truth.

But I don't know if this is changing me for the better or not. And now that I know that I'm dying faster… I just feel like I don't know anything about me anymore.

Got another visit from Isaac. He showed me some crazy Youtubers. It's amazing that some people would WANT to make videos for a job. And the videos that they make…just why? None of this makes sense! At least most of the videos. There are some videos with some sense added to them.

It's raining outside. I think I just heard thunder, so I'm gonna get off the laptop.

Later!  
-The Haze

 _Day 17_  
 **A shot to the head leaves it all behind, leaves it all behind  
(This is a warning) and I'll tear you apart**

Today's news on the Hazel show:

I feel like I'm going to die. Well, I WILL die soon, but that's not what I mean. I mean emotional death, mental death. Depression has gotten its hold on me again. It's not fun, knowing your days are numbered and then depression hits you harder than ever.

It also doesn't help you that I keep talking about the same stuff over and over and over again. I mean, I've probably said the exact same thing, like, 7 times. It's just…there's really nothing else that's happening. I mean, nothing else that's really exciting and that you would want to know about.

But maybe the world is better without me…all I'm doing is costing more and more money for my parents. It's a wonder that they've managed to pay all the medical bills, especially with everything going on in the States currently.

Nobody would miss me anyways…  
-The Haze

 _Day 18_  
 **Reach out your hands to catch me  
Reach out your hands and you tear me apart  
Reach out your hands to catch me  
Reach out your hands and you tear me apart  
**  
I feel like two hands took my body and literally tore me apart. It hurts, on the outside and in the inside.

That voice…heh. That tiny little voice, saying that I'm not worth anything, that I'm useless, that nobody likes me… it sounds so TERRIBLY cliché, but yet… I guess cliché can be true. I feel…useless. I can feel hate rolling off of my parents, off of Isaac. And that voice…it sits there, in my mind, saying that everybody only says that they care about me.

But they don't.

They just say that, but their hearts…they hate me. They have to put up with me for these next couple of months, and they just wish I could die already.

Why can't I be loved? Hmm? Do you know? You don't understand how HARD it is to have something TRULY look at you without having ANY feeling of pity for you?

Oh, you can't breathe properly, PITY ATTACK! Oh, you need a respirator, PITY ATTACK! Oh no, you have cancer, PITY ATTACK! Why can't just love me for who I am! Why isn't there someone out there who won't care if I have cancer or not, they'll care about me no matter what! That will always be there for me thick and thin!

And before you say my parents, what did they do as soon as they found out that I only have about 6 months left? THEY RAN AWAY. They don't love me anymore than everybody else.

This…this is what happens when you let the voices in your head control you. And yet they're right. I can't deny them and every time they tell me something, I see it through their eyes and I can see that they're right.

I've decided that the world would be better off without me. If I unplug my respirator for the night, I'll die (hopefully) in my sleep. No air, no breath, no life. Maybe Mom and Dad will be able to pay for themselves better now that they won't have to take care of me and my medical bills. Hopefully they'll be able to travel the world like they wanted to. They'll be able to get all those cool gadgets that Dad wanted. And they won't have to worry about a sick, little girl following them around.

Maybe I should say goodbye to them. You know, just 'cause they've done so much for me, even if they have been truly pulling a façade this entire time.

…I can't believe this will be my last time writing in this journal. Well, it was nice knowing whoever's behind this.

I'm unplugging my respirator in three…two…one…there. Done.

Goodbye…  
-Hazel

 _Day 19_

 _Day 20_

 _Day 21_

 _Day 22_

 _Day 23_

 _Day 24_

 _Day 25  
_ **Baby can't you see that you're losing your mind, that you're losing your mind?  
(Give me a warning, give me a warning!)  
A shot to the head leaves it all behind, leaves it all behind  
**  
Well… I'm still here. Mom came into my room to say goodnight to me and saw that I was trying to kill myself in a painful-but-yet-not-so-painful-way.

Anyways, she screamed; called 9-1-1 and Dad. The ambulance came and got me straight to oxygen and the doctors at the hospital were being all fussy as usual. And here I am, 5 days later, writing to you again in the hospital after a failed attempt at suicide.

How wonderful.

Maybe I'm wrong about all this. I mean, if they DIDN'T care about me, then wouldn't they just have let me die? Perhaps they do care about me, either a lot of a tiny bit.

I have to apologize to you, whoever I'm talking to, for what I tried to do. And I dragged you into it, and I put all my guilt and shame and burdens onto your shoulders. Well, that and Mom's standing here beside me watching me type this. She made me write this out on the laptop.

Maybe I should keep talking about her to get her to go away. Did I ever tell about the time-

…

Sorry about that. She made me erase the entire story that I typed. And she gave me one of those withering looks that only your Mom can give you and get away with. BUT, she's gone now, so that's a bonus. Well, she's sitting across from me, watching me stare at the screen and my fingers moving across the keyboard.

Anyways, I AM actually sorry for what I made you go through. I shouldn't have done that. Can you forgive me?

Now I just feel guilty. I know what I did to myself and to you guys wasn't fair, but who else am I going to talk to this about?! I don't really want to talk about this to Isaac, neither my parents. They'd put me on more meds and make me see more support groups and stuff like that. And talking to someone or something else makes it easier for me to put all my problems and hurt on them so they can deal with it. I can't do that to my friend or my parents! They have their own problems that they have to deal with, never mind my own.

I…I don't know what to feel anymore.

I'm also sorry that these entries are so short; I just can't think of anything to talk to you about except my pain and suffering.

Maybe I should stop talking about that and something else? Like how Isaac and I like to go for ice cream on Wednesdays and bicker about if pistachio ice cream or tiger tiger ice cream is better.

Come on, agree with me, tiger tiger is better. Who makes nut flavored ice cream? It's stupid! You want nuts in your ice cream, then put them in yourself! Don't make a flavor out of them! Bleeeeehhh.

Or should I talk about the times when we go to the mall and we stand in the game store, playing the games there until they kick us out?

How about the time when we spied on Gus' parents for an entire 20 minutes disguised as the bushes in their yard until they found out that the bushes didn't look right and discovered that we were there. Then they threw water at us until we were all soaked. That was fun. It wasn't fun when my air stopped working for a couple of second and I couldn't breathe.

I guess there's more in my life than I talk about. More than pain and hurt and suffering.  
-The Haze

 _Day 26_  
 **Baby can't you see that you're losing your mind, that you're losing your mind?  
(Give me a warning, give me a warning!)  
A shot to the head leaves it all behind, leaves it all behind  
(Give me a warning, give me a warning!)**

My daughter, Hazel Grace, can't breathe otherwise she would be writing this instead of me, her Mom. She's going under surgery in a couple of seconds; the tumors all of a sudden got worse in her lungs and now they're trying to extract the fluids in her lungs again. They're not sure if she's going to make it or not.  
Oh, my poor baby.

I think she wanted me to tell you that, if indeed there is someone reading this in the future, that she appreciates everything that you've put up with, right from the start. Be sure to not fall in the same trap that she did, but be doubt free. You are who you are, and nobody can change that except you.

 _Day 27_  
 **Well baby can't you see that you're losing your mind, that you're losing your mind?  
Another shot to the head leaves it all behind, leaves it all behind  
Give me a warning now**

I'm really tired, so I'll make this quick: thank you guys. I've realized that all this time, I really needed you/talk to you. I really appreciate it.

The doctors aren't sure if I'll survive another week. My lungs have gotten worse and…well, let's just say that it's really bad.

So, Isaac, thank you for everything that you've done for me. Thank you for being a friend, for being there when I needed you most. Thanks for making me your vampiric assistant.

Mom, Dad, thanks for being you, for helping me through my problems. I love you guys. Please take care of me this next week. I need you right now.

And, you guys who are reading this too. I just wanted to tell you that-


End file.
